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When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*bites zombie*
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.