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Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
hardest line in real life
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.