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I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family