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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
We don’t deserve birds.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?