You Might Also Like
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.