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[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills