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My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I think I’m gonna be sick
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Is this you?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died