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Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The Assassin.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
so weird how every mom was born today