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I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
spot the difference
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed