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DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good