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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!