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[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.