You Might Also Like
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.