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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!