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[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
lmfao
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Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!