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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil