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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My dad teaching me to drive
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct