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Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
the Monday after daylight savings
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Lmao
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it