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Good point.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Food gives you energy to nap more.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Oh no
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.