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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.