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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?