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A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My wife gives the best headache.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
step 6: release the wall snake
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Lmfaoooooo
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Peace was never an option
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.