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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one