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When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.