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Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Plant care tips
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.