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humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
very niche meme I made
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
So glad we cleared that up
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Strangers have the best candy.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Every
Single
Year
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
hand it over!
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.