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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
also my go-to takeaway order
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
*struts into the new year
~ trips
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam