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I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.