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The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
hand it over!
My ideal weight is five million dollars
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
