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Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]