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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king