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Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
This one’s “Alex”.
Who called it emotional blackmail and not a heart attack?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..