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Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.