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somewhere, in an alternate universe
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
What
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Guantanamo Bae
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
It’s an epidemic…
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*