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Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE