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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’m ready to try another planet.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae