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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.