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When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx