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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
⛄️
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.