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[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
is this meant to deter me
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?