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I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Worst Native American name ever.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.