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Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.