You Might Also Like
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭