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[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
we’re dead?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary