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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile