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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
So creative 😂
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon