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Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them