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I think I’m having a stroke
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
i prefer mine room temperature.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.