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opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
◾️
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine