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Think I pulled my liver
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Goat cheese is for herders.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
