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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Safety first
thank god the sign was there
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up