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No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
can i punch you in the face but like romantically?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.