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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
wishing you and yours all the best
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
