You Might Also Like
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues