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[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason