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The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe