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It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Mad Max Arctic Road
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Godspeed, John Glenn
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
thank god the sign was there
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*