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Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
eggs benadryl
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this