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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do