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*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
181.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Sorry I made promises on Friday
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Not recommended for beginners.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.