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Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.