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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.