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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS