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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
i actually laughed 😩
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.