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-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.