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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me too 😆
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus