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“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.