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a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Even the dumbest person on social media is still more intelligent than a dolphin.
And that saddens me deeply.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
Why I divorced her.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.