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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.