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Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
o shit
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive