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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
choose your gary
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*