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So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.