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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Simple enough.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract