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Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
When you’ve simply given up.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Noted.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!