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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……