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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich