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This is a bad idea on so many levels.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*limbos under the caution tape
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
The sacred texts.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore