You Might Also Like
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
relationship goals
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”