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Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.