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The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
new shirt idea
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??