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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]