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Me when I’m ovulating
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
✌️
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.