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Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
HOW DARE YOU
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert